by Maria Chesley Fisk, Ph.D.
Emotional intelligence involves understanding your feelings, managing your feelings, motivating yourself, and productively persisting in the face of setbacks. Emotional intelligence, as Daniel Goleman stated in his book of that title, may be more important than IQ. As parents, we have a responsibility to help our children become aware emotional beings who believe they can develop their emotional intelligence by working at it. Again and again, our children need to hear these basic messages: wisely see and accept challenges, be proactive, and learn from the mistakes you make.
We are our children's emotional coaches; we can teach thinking skills involved in emotional intelligence. Gone are the days when we thought, for example, a very angry person was just born that way and might as well accept it. Yes, we are born predisposed to a certain temperament, but our brains are constantly rewiring and changing as we learn and grow. A person's genetic makeup may lean toward shy or outgoing, optimistic or pessimistic, moody or even-tempered. But we change and we can intentionally stretch and grow; we are not defined solely by our genetic makeup.
Emotional coaching relies on a warm and nurtured relationship between you and your child. A close, open parent -child relationship makes it easier and more natural to teach emotional skills, and it's the foundation upon which your child learns. Everyday interactions can build and strengthen your relationship with your child:
* Hugging and touching frequently
* Enjoying fun, relaxed time together
* Sharing about your daily experiences
* Listening carefully and empathetically
* Respecting and validating your child's feelings
* Explaining your own feelings in an age- and situation-appropriate way
* Providing positive examples of managing emotions and motivation
Teaching specific skills is important, too. You can, for example, name your child's feelings while she is learning to understand them. As she matures, you can ask her to talk about her feelings while you listen empathetically. Also, kids deserve to know that at first onset, our strong emotions flood powerfully over us. If we can wait about 90 seconds for the flood to subside, we have the ability to choose whether to let the emotion remain very strong, to do something productive to change the situation, or to just let the emotion pass by. That's how our brains work.
